The attitude of Portal 2’s single-player is best summarized by two separate occasions within it when a puzzle is interrupted by a story section. And yeah, it's impressive, but I can't help but feel that sinking feeling you get as something splashes warmly on your face, and you know you're going to have a reputation as the school's slut by tomorrow afternoon.
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The game's full of spectacular environments and opens with a lengthy physics sequence where the chamber you're in gets picked up and hauled around, bits falling off the walls and revealing epic views of the ruined facility beyond. But then Portal became twice as popular as a YouTube video of a laughing baby riding a startled cat, and now, suddenly, the sequel's getting a big, roomy box all to itself and the whole studio's behind it. Not an inch of it was wasted everything was there that needed to be there for the game to work, and the humor was the icing on the.uh.the French Fancy. And what I liked most about it was that it was as tight as a walnut corset. It was all of two hours long and developed by a small team within the company who had to cut corners like it was crunch time at the circle factory. Valve released it essentially as a stocking-stuffer to mollify us into not coming around and breaking their windows. What you need to understand is that nobody expected Portal 1 to explode the way it did. Is Portal 2 good? Yes! Is it better than Portal 1? No! Portal 1 was a big, delicious jam donut with cream on top and Portal 2 is a big Cornish pasty with chocolate in one half and shepherd's pie in the other and look at me dancing around the issue! Dancey, dancey, la de dah.
The thing is - and you can take this for either a good thing or a bad thing - Portal 2 doesn't have anything that's comparably memetic, if I might employ the vocabulary of a tosspot for a moment. Hoping to cash in on a new range of plushies, are we, Valve? You crafty buggers. It was with some trepidation that I started Portal 2, then, but fortunately, there's nary a mention of cake, and the Companion Cube appears in only a very conciliatory fashion, although I did notice it's undergone a slight design change. Nothing ruins a good thing quite like knowing you share your opinions with mindless little tits who bray like mules if you so much as mention the word "cake", and the good thing in question can never be the same again this is technically known as the "Knights Who Say 'Ni' Effect." In the time since then and the release of Portal 2, you'll be pleased to hear that I eventually did come up with a criticism for Portal 1: it's got the worst fucking fans in the world. It included Team Fortress 2, a multiplayer experience matched only by competitive breast massage, and Portal, the earthly manifestation of Christ fucking hell, talk about overcompensation! Makes me wonder what Valve are going to do to make up for the considerably longer wait that it's been for Half-Life: Episode 3 they're either going to hand out hundred-dollar bills, or all line up on the roof of the studio and commit seppuku.Īnyway, Portal is the only game I've been unable to find a fault in it's like Ahab and Moby Dick, if Ahab regarded Moby Dick with asexual lust, and Moby Dick's owners once invited Ahab to come visit their ivory tower and flick cashew nuts at poor people.
Early on in my overpaid sequence of lucky breaks that only the most bitterly sarcastic observer would call a career, I made a video about The Orange Box, a loose collection of game-like objects bundled together as a sort of apology for Half-Life: Episode 2 being about as timely as a long-term Middle East peace solution.
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